His chest tightened painfully and suddenly he couldn’t sit still any longer. He pushed himself upward, as if he were standing to greet the rest of his family. He forced himself to endure the backslaps from his brothers, but their voices sort of mingled together until it all sounded like a dull roar.
Murmuring an excuse that he had to go to the bathroom, he escaped to the kitchen and then stood over the sink, running water over his scarred arms while he tried to calm his rapid pulse rate.
After several deep breaths, he went to the fridge, fished out a beer and then retreated out the back door onto the deck. Inside they were no doubt openly discussing his continued distance and wondering how to break past the wall. Or maybe not since Swanny was there. But they were thinking it and exchanging helpless looks from some, determined looks from others. And probably drawing straws to see who came to find him.
If Swanny wasn’t having such a good time and looking happier than he had since he’d arrived to see Nathan, Nathan would have already left.
He propped his beer on the porch railing and stared into the darkness, listening to the soothing sounds of tree frogs and crickets. When the door opened, he sighed. When he turned around, though, he was surprised to see Rachel standing a few feet away.
He turned fully, leaning back against the wood railing. “Hey, doll. I didn’t figure you would draw the short straw or that you’d even be in the running.”
She tilted her head in confusion, the outside light shining over her dark hair. “Oh,” she finally said. “You thought they sent me.”
“They didn’t?”
She took the few remaining steps that separated them and stood quietly next to him, her gaze directed to the woods behind his parents’ house.
“No.”
He turned back around so they were facing the same direction. “Sorry. I know I probably seem paranoid and touchy.”
She smiled. “Understandable if you were.”
“How are you? I mean really? You doing okay these days? I haven’t seen much of you.”
She glanced over at him. “Shouldn’t I be asking how you’re doing? And you haven’t seen many of us.”
He winced, although there was no accusation in her tone. His scars itched and he rubbed one hand up his arm before clasping it around his elbow.
“I understand how you feel,” she said in a low voice. “Maybe no one has said that. Maybe because they don’t understand. I know how overwhelmed you are and that sometimes you really just want everyone around you to pretend things are normal.”
He sighed again. “Yeah, I know you do.”
Because he’d been thinking earlier just how much he wanted to hug her, he pulled her into his arms and wrapped his arms around her much smaller frame. She laced her arms around his waist and hugged him back just as tightly.
“You amaze me.”
She pulled away so she could look up at him. Her brows knitted together and a slight frown rested on her mouth.
“I don’t know how you managed to survive for an entire year.”
She pulled her arms back and then folded them across her chest, her fingers making little marks on her arms.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you. I understand. Believe me.”
She shook her head. “No. It’s okay. Really. People don’t talk about it at all around me. It happened. I’m still dealing with it, but sometimes I wish that everyone would feel comfortable mentioning it.”
“I guess I’m not to that point yet. I just want everyone to stop looking at me…”
“With pity in their eyes? With so much sorrow that you feel like you’re going to drown in it? With a look that says they’re hurting with you and for you, and you just want to make it all go away so they won’t feel so bad and worry all the time?”
“Yeah, that.”
“They’re family. They love us. I actually understand them more now since you came back because I feel that way about you, and I stop myself at times and remind myself that the worry I feel is the same worry they felt for me.”
Nathan looped an arm around her again and hugged her close. “Thank you for that. It means a lot. I know I don’t act like it.”
She shook her head. “You can’t make yourself feel a certain way, Nathan. Believe me, I’ve tried. It takes…time.”
“You’re an amazing woman, Rachel Kelly. I just want you to know that. I was ready to give up and I was only gone for a few months. There were days when I thought it would just be easier to die. I wanted to die.”
“Why didn’t you then?” she asked softly.
His arm fell away and he turned to grip the railing with both hands. “Because someone saved me.”
She didn’t respond. Didn’t ask him who. She just stood there and waited. He liked that about her. She wasn’t pushy. She had such a quiet strength about her that wrapped around her. She calmed him like no one else in the family. Maybe that was why he was standing here waging a battle with himself over whether to confide in her. At least if she thought he was crazy, she wouldn’t go sound the alarm to the rest of the family.
He raised one arm, dragged a hand over his face and let out a disgusted sigh. “You’re going to think I’m nuts.”
She put one small hand on his shoulder. A simple touch. Still no response. And she waited. He liked that about her too. She didn’t lie and immediately deny that she wouldn’t think he was off his rocker.