As much as he’d feared never seeing his family again, now that he was home, he preferred to spend most of his time alone. They loved him and he loved them, but their worry and concern weighed heavily on him. He couldn’t pretend he was normal. He couldn’t pretend to be the man who’d left them all those months ago to go on another mission. He was changed, and he was still dealing with the effects of that change himself. How could he expect them to accept the change when he hadn’t accepted it?
He didn’t want to push them away—it wasn’t what he consciously did. But he found himself seeking solitude more and more and spending less time in the ranks of his noisy and boisterous family. He missed them and avoided them in equal measure.
He reached for another nail and wiped the sweat off his brow with the back of his arm, freezing for a moment as the crisscross pattern of still healing scars flashing in front of
him.
He looked and felt like a damn patchwork doll.
Raising the hammer, he started to drive another nail, when a sound behind him stopped him. He turned, expecting to see one of his brothers. They checked in on him daily, whether he wanted them to or not. But it wasn’t one of them standing a few feet away.
He dropped the hammer. “Swanny! What the hell are you doing here?”
Nathan strode over to his former teammate and gripped him in a tight hug. He pulled away, taking note of Swanny’s appearance.
Like Nathan, he hadn’t regained the weight he’d lost in captivity. He, also like Nathan, was heavily scarred. The wound on his face had been deep and long and it snaked over the entire left side of his face. Lines were grooved into his forehead and around his eyes. There was even a smattering of gray at his temples. Hell had aged him and he hadn’t recovered. Maybe he never would.
“I had to come see you, Nate. I had to thank you in person.”
“Come sit down. Want a beer?”
Nathan gestured toward two large boulders that overlooked sprawling Kentucky Lake. While Swanny went to take a seat, Nathan dug into his cooler for two beers. Then thinking better of it, he dragged the entire ice chest over to where Swanny sat.
“How the hell are you?” Nathan asked as he tossed a can in Swanny’s direction.
Swanny was quiet for a moment. “I’m good. Making it. I thought I was more than ready to get out when my tour was up, but now I have too much time to think. It sucks.”
“Yeah, I hear you.”
“Nice place you have here. I wasn’t sure they were going to let me through the gates.”
Nathan’s lips quirked into a half smile. “My brothers are pretty serious about security.”
Swanny sipped at the beer and stared out over the shimmering surface of the lake in the distance. Then he turned his gaze on Nathan. His eyes were dark and haunted. Tired.
“What happened out there, Nate?”
Nathan looked away, his shoulders rigid.
“I’ve tried to rationalize it. I’ve tried to explain it away, say it didn’t happen, but I didn’t imagine it. I did not imagine you putting your hands on me. I didn’t make up how injured I was before and the immediate sensation of relief. The x-rays showed no internal damage, but I know I was bleeding. I know I was hurt. Hell, I was coughing up blood. I couldn’t breathe. So you explain it to me, Nate. Tell me what the hell you did.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Nathan said honestly. “Swear to God, I didn’t. I have so many what-the-fuck moments about that entire ordeal. Some days I think I lost it back there and I’ll never get it back. Some part of my mind just broke during captivity and I imagined all sorts of things.”
“Yeah,” Swanny muttered.
Nathan picked up another beer and popped the tab. He took several long gulps and then directed his gaze toward the lake and let the blue swallow him.
“Someone or something helped us,” Nathan said. “It was like the most f**king beautiful thing I’ve ever encountered. I worried I was dead or dying because I was sure I felt the presence of an angel.”
If he closed his eyes and thought hard enough, he could still feel the brush of Shea’s fingers on his face, the warmth of her soul as it merged with his. It was inexplicable. He didn’t want to examine it too closely, because he wanted it to be real. He wanted her to be real.
“Angel. Yeah, that about covers the feeling. It was warm. Like the warmest, most soothing sensation I’ve ever experienced in my life. My panic and fear just melted away. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve never really had a firm belief in God one way or another. I mean I suppose there has to be some higher power out there, but was that what it was? Was God helping us?”
Nathan’s hands shook and he set his beer down so he wouldn’t spill it. “I’ve asked myself that a thousand times. I don’t have an answer. Maybe I never will.”
The idea that he’d never talk to her again, never feel her inside him, destroyed a part of his soul that she’d claimed for her own.
There was so much more he could tell Swanny. But he wouldn’t ever divulge just how close to surrender he’d been in those darkest hours. Shea had saved him. Not just him but Swanny too.
Shea.
He couldn’t help the soft call. Her name echoed through his brain, making no connection. She simply wasn’t there.
Was she in trouble? Had she sacrificed her safety in order to help him? He wished to hell he knew.
He glanced back up at Swanny, who seemed as content with the silence as Nathan was.