Rachel shook her head. “No. But thank you.”
“We’ll be in the basement if you need anything,” Sam said as he and Garrett turned to walk out of the living room.
“Rachel?” Ethan asked when they were alone.
The knot in his belly was growing larger with each passing second.
“I found this,” she said as she thrust rumpled papers toward him.
He knew without looking what they were. He couldn’t even bring himself to look into her eyes.
“Oh God.”
Her hands shook as she continued to hold out the papers. “I kept having these dreams about you being angry, that you hated me.”
“Shhh.” He pressed a finger to her lips and shook his head. “God no. Never hated you, baby. Never.”
She shook him off and stared down at the papers. “These say you did. Or at least that you didn’t love me anymore. That you thought our marriage was over and you wanted out. God, you didn’t even try to get rid of them. You left them in the same place I saw them before I left a year ago.”
What could he say? He had no defense for all the pain he’d put her through.
“I left them there because I wanted to be able to tear them up in front of you. To beg you for another chance. A chance I never got.”
“Talk to me, Ethan,” she begged. “I need to know. More than the divorce papers. This isn’t the sole source of our problems. I don’t remember everything. Just pieces here and there. I didn’t even know I’d lost a baby until Sam told me tonight. Or that you quit the SEALs right after. I need to understand what happened.”
He staggered back, his gut boiling. He wasn’t prepared. He’d lived with the knowledge every second of every day that she’d eventually remember and that he’d have to explain, but he still wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to face the prospect of losing her when he’d only just gotten her back.
He took a deep breath to steady his fried nerves. This was important. This was his life. He couldn’t—wouldn’t—lie to her no matter how bad it made him look.
“You were so excited when you found out you were pregnant,” he said, smiling as he remembered just how excited she’d been. “I was gone a lot, and I worried I wouldn’t be there when you gave birth. Garrett said he’d step in, no problem. I should have been grateful, but I was jealous and resentful.
“And then you miscarried while I was in parts unknown. I didn’t even know about it until my team surfaced. Sam had been trying to reach me. I felt so guilty because I knew how much you wanted our child. I felt guilty because I wasn’t there when you needed me the most, that you had to go through it alone.”
He glanced back at Rachel, who still sat on the couch, her arms clutched around her slim waist. Her eyes haunted him. There was so much pain—and confusion—as she tried to filter through what she could remember versus what he was telling her.
“So I came home and there was Garrett. Garrett the rock. Garrett who’d been with you the entire time. I was furious—mostly with myself—and insanely jealous. I was also angry and grieving for our baby, and I lashed out at you. God, if I could take it all back.”
He ran a hand through his hair and gripped the back of his neck as he turned away from her again.
“I resigned my commission because I knew I’d failed you. You never asked me to. You never would have. You knew how much the Navy meant to me. But I quit anyway and I hated it. Hated being home. Hated not knowing what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life. Hated looking like a failure to my family and my wife.
“I resented you even though I knew, I knew deep down that it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your choice. It was mine, but I resented the hell out of you, and I started to blame you. I was my own worst enemy and I was destroying our marriage and your love, and that only made me angrier.”
A sound of pain escaped Rachel’s tightly pressed lips. She looked as though he’d struck her. He wanted none of it to be true. He wanted never to have hurt her, but he wouldn’t lie to her now. It was like poison in the very heart of his soul, and he had to get rid of it. All of it.
“I shot you down at every opportunity. You tried. God, you tried. You loved me and I shit on it because I was eaten alive inside with resentment and my own personal unhappiness. I didn’t want to hear I love you from your lips, but the moment you stopped saying it, I resented you even more. I was the worst sort of ass, and I finally decided that the least I could do for you was to set you free. Noble, huh?”
He threw up his hands in disgust and turned back around. The agony on her face made him want to puke. He wanted to touch her, to hold her, but he was afraid to, because if she rejected him now, he was lost.
“I was too much of a coward to just man up and tell you that I was unhappy with my decision. You would have supported me. I know you would have. So I made you miserable and then threw the divorce papers at you. I’ll never forget the look on your face, Rachel. It’s eaten me up for the last year. You walked away thinking I hated you and that I wanted out of our marriage, and I never got to make things right between us.”
She stood shakily, her hand going down to the edge of the couch to steady herself on the way up. Her face was pale, her eyes huge. She looked . . . devastated.
She licked her lips and briefly looked away as if gathering her courage. Ironic, since she was the only one between them who had the strength and courage of a warrior.