“You’re not even speaking to me anymore,” she said, staring at him wide-eyed.
“It’s not that,” he said. “I was lost in thought for a moment. I apologize.” He gave her a quick smile. “My evening was very pleasant. I had dinner with a friend from university. Nigel and I were at Oxford together. He’s in El Bahar on business and had an evening free.” He hesitated, dealing again with the unfamiliar guilt. “I thought of inviting you along, but as Nigel didn’t bring his wife, I was afraid it would have been boring for you. Two old friends talking about times and people you don’t know.”
She nodded slowly. “I understand. To be honest, I didn’t know you’d left the palace.”
He suspected she was trying to be kind and conciliatory, but her words only intensified his guilt.
“Do you want something?” he asked, touching one of the bottles on the bar.
“No thank you.”
He motioned to the sofa, inviting her to sit down, then he topped off his drink and joined her.
“Nigel has a position of some importance in the British government,” he said. “Although his interest is more general—all of the Middle East—he occasionally makes his way here. I told him that the next time he comes, he should bring the whole family. They could stay with us here in the palace. Then you could meet them.”
Her hazel eyes were wide behind her glasses. She gave him a brief smile that didn’t erase her serious expression. “I would like to meet your friend. By family, do you mean he has children?”
“Yes. Two children. Both boys. He showed me pictures. They’re five and two.”
“I don’t know much about children, but those seem to be fun ages. Although two boys. That must be a lot of work.”
Their discussion was purely polite social chitchat, yet Jamal couldn’t help wondering what kind of mother Heidi would turn out to be. After the first month or so of marriage, Yasmin had made it very clear that she wasn’t interested in having children but that she would because it was expected of her. Still, she’d been insistent on full-time help so that she didn’t actually have to spend time alone with her offspring.
“As a princess, you would have help,” Jamal told her. “A nurse and a nanny.”
“Not too much help,” Heidi said with her first flash of humor for the evening. “I would need to take care of my children sometimes. Otherwise what kind of mother would I be?”
It was the correct answer, he thought, yet he knew Heidi actually meant it. She wasn’t Yasmin, he told himself again. Maybe her fears and concerns about them being lovers came more from her inexperience than a desire to wound. Maybe she hadn’t been rejecting him as much as she’d been protecting herself.
She shifted until she was facing him with one leg tucked up under her. She smoothed a loose strand of hair behind her ear, then pushed her glasses into place. “Jamal, we have to talk. I know I’ve made a mess of things right from the beginning. You don’t know how much I want to go back in time to our wedding night and do things differently.”
Her honesty and sincerity were painful to watch. He stopped her with a shake of his head. “It’s not your fault,” he told her.
“Of course it is. I messed up completely.”
“I’d say we’re both responsible, then. You had your fears about something that was both unknown and frightening, while I was caught up in the past.”
She frowned. “You mean your marriage to Yasmin?”
“Yes.”
“How does that have anything to do with this?”
“It’s complicated,” he hedged. “I’m not sure I can explain it.”
Nor did he want to. There were many things he wanted to share with Heidi, but this wasn’t one of them. He could still remember how gentle he’d been with Yasmin on their wedding night. And his stunned surprise when she’d told him he need not bother. After all, she wasn’t a virgin, and she’d never much enjoyed sex. So he might as well just have at it and get it over with.
Later, when he’d discovered that she’d been telling the truth about disliking the intimate side of marriage, he’d asked what he could do so that he could please her. She’d dismissed his efforts. He’d even humiliated himself to inquire about other lovers, thinking they might have known about techniques he did not. She’d laughed then. Laughed because he’d been too stupid to get it. It wasn’t that he was doing it wrong, she’d told him. It was that he was doing it with her at all. She used sex to get what she wanted, but aside from that, it had no place in her life. Her parting shot had been for him not to take it so personally.
He’d hated her then. Worse, he’d hated himself for still wanting her. For despite everything, he’d allowed himself to fall in love with his shallow wife.
“You must have loved her very much,” Heidi whispered. “You still look very fierce when you talk about her.”
“Loving her was the worst of it,” he said honestly. “Even when I knew better, I still loved her.”
Heidi swallowed. “I understand.” Her voice was low and hoarse. “You wouldn’t want another relationship like that.”
“Exactly,” he said forcefully, thinking of all he’d had to endure. “It was hell. Days upon weeks of hell.”
“I see.”
He knew she didn’t. Lord only knew what she was thinking, but he wasn’t about to correct her misinterpretations of his relationship with Yasmin. No one would ever know the truth.