Ella’s fork clattered to her plate as she stared at him. He continued to eat as if they always had conversations like this. “But . . . I just didn’t . . .”
He swallowed a bite and turned to her. “You want to be involved with me?”
“Involved?” Surely, he didn’t actually mean what it sounded like he meant and she wasn’t about to make a fool of herself yet again by assuming.
Declan took his time wiping his mouth with a napkin before answering. “My idea of what that means will probably be a little different from yours, Ellie, but I think you get the idea. I like you, I want you, and I think you feel the same. I’ve tried to step back even though I knew how you felt about me because you are just too good for someone like me.” When she opened her mouth to protest, he raised his hand to silence her. “For years I have lived a life that you can’t even imagine. I have done and seen things that would shock you, disgust you, and scare the hell out of you. Don’t even bother to doubt me, because even I run from the things in my head. So I can’t make any promises to you, Ellie, because more than likely I’d end up breaking them. I’m not going to be the man you settle down with or the man who gives you a family, but, honey, I can be the man who makes your skin burn, your toes curl, and who makes you lose your inhibitions and scream. That I can promise you.”
Ella felt her breathing kick into high gear as her ni**les peaked and heat pooled between her thighs. Declan’s eyes blazed into hers as if awaiting her response. All she could manage to croak out was “Why did you change your mind?”
He leaned forward in his chair and trailed a finger down one of her flushed cheeks. “You are hell-bent on finding a man, Ellie, and even though you might end up hating me in the end, I’ll never hurt you physically. For you, I will even try to give you some of what you need.”
Man, was that an intriguing sentence. “Some of what I need?”
Declan shifted in his seat, obviously uncomfortable. “Yeah, you know a date kind of thing. Maybe dinner and a movie or whatever you enjoy doing. I want us to be lovers, Ellie, but I will try to give as much as I take. I haven’t done this whole dating scene in a long time and I’m not sure I even know how to do something so normal anymore.”
Ella could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Declan sounded so lost and alone. She had to wonder what he had gone through to make him sound afraid to do something so normal as go on a date. They had spent a lot of time talking at the office, but it was usually about her. He rarely ever talked about his life or his past. When she had tried to ask, he had changed the subject or made up some appointment he had to get to. She knew he had spent years in the military and she had to assume that that was the source of most of his demons. Shyly, she reached out and took his hand in hers. “I do like you. I haven’t made a secret of that, but before this goes any further, I need to tell you something.”
“I already know, Ellie.”
Ella’s jaw dropped in surprise as she asked, “You do?”
“Yeah, I do,” Declan smiled.
“Wha . . . what do you know?”
His smile turned in to a full-scale smirk as he said, “I know that you want my body. You don’t need to confess, sweetheart.” Declan burst out laughing as she stared at him with her mouth open. “I’m sorry, Ellie, I couldn’t resist. You looked so nervous that I thought you needed a good laugh. Now what do you need to tell me?”
Ella could only stare at the man sitting in front of her. He was actually making jokes. He seemed almost happy. Could he need her as much as she needed him? What he was offering her went against everything she had been raised to believe. He was as good as promising her that there would be no future for them. Had she waited for Mr. Right for this long only to settle for Mr. Right-now? If the only feelings between them were physical, why was she so drawn to him? Was she strong enough to battle his demons and save the man underneath it all?
Question after question swirled through her head as she gazed into the laughing eyes of the man before her. If she were truthful with herself, she would admit that the battle had been lost the moment he walked through her door. There was no way she could walk away from what he was offering. It might not be what she had always imagined her first love to be, but she knew in her heart that Declan would change her life forever whether he stayed for one night or for the rest of her life. She crossed her fingers that he didn’t run when she answered his questions. “I, um . . . don’t have much experience with what you’re talking about.” Declan rubbed his finger over the palm of her hand in a way that sent tingles across her skin. “Well, all of it, I guess. I’ve gone on dates, but it didn’t go much further than that.”
He extended his other hand and raised her chin, forcing her to make eye contact. “Are you a virgin, Ellie?”
Why wouldn’t the floor open up and swallow you when you really needed it? Ella would have been grateful for a crack even big enough to fall through. She had never really had this conversation with anyone other than Beth and certainly never a man. Maybe it was great to make it through your teenage years and still be a virgin, but when you were nearing thirty, it seemed more like a commitment to becoming the weird cat lady.
“My parents were pretty protective and didn’t let me date while I was in school so I never had many opportunities to . . . you know.”
Declan took a deep breath and suddenly toppled her off her chair and onto his lap. She gasped in surprise at the feel of his hard thighs against her bottom. He wrapped his arms around her and tucked her head under his chin. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, honey. I suspected as much. You’re a beautiful woman, but it’s obvious that you don’t use that beauty the way most women do. I’m going to be noble just one time here and offer to walk away if you don’t want this. You know I’m not offering you anything permanent so if you want your first time to be with the man you marry, then I’ll step back and let you go. I’m only going to make that offer once though, Ellie, so be damn sure before you answer.”
Ella pulled back and met his gaze without wavering. “I want you, Declan. You are the only man who has ever made me feel this way, and I’m not walking away.”
Declan let out an unsteady breath then he circled her lower lip with his fingertip. “Thank, God, because that would have probably killed me. He groaned as she wiggled on his lap. “Baby, please stop moving like that before I break my promise and take you right here. I want to show you all of the ways to give and take pleasure before I’m inside of you.”