“Christ,” Ethan muttered. He damn sure hadn’t realized he’d been so f**king obvious.
“What the hell’s going on?” Donovan asked quietly.
Ethan rubbed a tired hand over his face. He didn’t want to get into this with his brother. He didn’t want to get into it with anyone. He opened his mouth to say, Nothing, but caught Donovan’s fierce scowl directed at him. Van didn’t get worked up about too many things. The man was a study in being laid back. Right now he looked as determined as a pit bull clamped down on a prime piece of ass. Ethan almost rubbed his own behind at the image.
He looked around to make sure he and Donovan were the only ones outside. Just because he was spilling his guts to his brother didn’t mean he wanted it broadcast for the world to hear. One was bad enough.
“You remember things were tough when I came home. After Rachel’s miscarriage.”
“Yeah, you’d resigned your commission. It was a huge adjustment for you. For both of you.”
He smiled at Van’s show of loyalty. He didn’t really deserve it, but it felt damn good.
“I was an ass,” Ethan admitted. “I did everything I could to drive Rachel away. Hell, I don’t know why she stayed with me as long as she did.”
Donovan frowned, his brows coming together in confusion. And then his eyes widened as if he was finally understanding that there was a lot that the rest of the family didn’t know.
“Does Rachel remember any of that?”
Ethan winced at the direct hit. Then he shook his head.
Donovan blew out his breath and shoved his hands in his pockets. “How bad are we talking here, Ethan?”
“I told her I wanted a divorce right before she left on her mercy mission.”
“What? You told her what?” Donovan stared at him in utter shock.
“I knew the moment she left that it wasn’t what I wanted,” Ethan said wearily. As if that was a defense for the things he’d said. “I had these grand plans of sweeping her off her feet the moment she got home. Telling her I was sorry and begging for another chance. God, I never got the chance.”
“Holy shit, man. I never knew. I mean what the hell are you going to do now? I mean . . .” He stared at Ethan for a long moment as if he grappled with what he was about to ask. “Do you feel stuck? I mean do you want out?”
For a moment all Ethan could do was stare. It was a fair question in light of what he’d just told Donovan, but the mere thought of getting out of the relationship sent a cold chill down his spine.
“No. No! God no. I’m worried, Van. I’m worried about the day she remembers what a bastard I was to her. I . . . I love her.”
“Have you told anyone else this?”
Ethan shook his head. “I was too ashamed. I f**ked up. Really f**ked up.”
His brother’s hand came down on his shoulder. Donovan squeezed, and sympathy shone bright in his eyes.
“You made mistakes, Ethan. We all have. What matters now is how you go forward. Have you talked to her about it?”
Talked. If it was only that easy. He closed his eyes and swallowed against the helpless rage burning in his gut.
“She’s on the edge, Van,” he said in a quiet voice. “I can’t push her that much closer. Right now the only thing she knows is that I love her. I can’t make her doubt that even for a moment.”
“Shit,” Donovan breathed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“Nothing to say. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it and hope to hell I don’t lose her after I got her back again.”
“Do you plan to say anything?”
Ethan shook his head. “No, and I’d prefer to keep it that way.”
“You’ll work it out.” There was worry in Donovan’s eyes and maybe a little doubt. It hit Ethan hard in the belly. “It’s obvious you love her.”
“I haven’t ever not loved her,” Ethan said quietly. “But I’m worried that when she gets her memory back, she’s going to realize she stopped loving me a long time ago.”
Donovan’s lips tightened into an adamant line. “No way I believe that. She loves you. I’d bet my life on it. Memory or no memory. That kind of love doesn’t just go away because you were a bastard.”
A harsh laugh cracked through Ethan’s lips. “Thanks. I think. I’m glad one of us is confident.”
“If there’s anything I can do ...”
Ethan nodded. “I know, man. And I appreciate it. More than you’ll ever know.”
He held out his fist and Donovan balled his own to knock it against Ethan’s.
“Good luck tomorrow,” Ethan said. “And be careful. Garrett’s about to have a kitten at the thought of you going alone.”
Donovan snorted. “He’s just pissed because he’s out of action. It’ll be good for him to have to sit and cool his heels. Man works too damn much. He’ll have an ulcer before he’s forty. If he lives that long.”
“Shi-it. Don’t tell Ma that. She’d henpeck him to death.”
Both men stopped and stared at each other in realization. Slow grins spread across their faces and they burst into laughter.
“Oh hell. Garrett’ll kill us for this, but it’ll be worth it,” Donovan chortled.
“You wanna tell her or should I?” Ethan asked as his shoulders shook.
Their mother on a mission was a scary sight to behold. Any hint that one of her chicks wasn’t as he should be would bring immediate action.