“Damn,” Cole murmured. “Don’t you think you’re being a little too hard on yourself?”
“No,” she said bluntly. “I wish I would have been harder. Two months later, we assisted in another drug raid. This was a big one. Several police officers went down, and Derek, the ass**le, instead of worrying over his fellow officers, was more concerned with taking money from the scene. I went to my commander the next day and told him what I saw.”
“Oh shit.”
“Yeah, exactly. Internal Affairs got involved. It was a big, messy investigation. Derek was smart, though, and he didn’t leave any sort of trail. No deposits to a bank account. No change in spending habits. He’d planned long term and was apparently stashing the money where it couldn’t be found and was going to use it at a later date or maybe quit and then move off somewhere and spend the cash. I don’t really know what his plan was, but whatever it was, it certainly didn’t include me in the picture.”
“So they didn’t have any evidence on him?”
“No,” she said softly.
“Is that why you left then? Because you couldn’t work with him any longer?”
She hated this part. It still had the power to unravel her even after all this time.
“P.J.?”
She looked up, not really wanting to continue the conversation at this point.
His gaze was intense. Peeling back layer after layer until she felt bare and vulnerable under his scrutiny.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
She drew in a long breath and then let it out. “What I left out is the fact that my two best friends, or rather Derek’s best friends who I thought were my friends too, along with Derek hung me out to dry.”
Cole slipped his hand over the knee closest to his reach and squeezed gently. “What happened?”
“Up to this point, Derek and I had kept our relationship secret. It was against policy for members on the same team to fraternize, a rule, mind you, that didn’t exist before I joined because I was the first female on that team. But Derek went to our commander, along with Jimmy and Mike to corroborate his story, and told him that Derek and I were lovers and that he broke things off with me and that I’d launched my accusations out of revenge. Jimmy and Mike backed up his story by telling him a bunch of made-up shit, like that I’d threatened to ruin him when he broke up with me. And then they leaked that story far and wide until there wasn’t a police officer in the precinct who didn’t know that I was a crazy ex-girlfriend who’d tried to f**k over a fellow officer.”
“What a dickhead,” Cole said in disgust.
“I didn’t have a friend left in that department or on my team. No one wanted to believe that one of their own could be dirty, so it was far easier to believe his made-up bullshit. And there was also the fact that not everyone on S.W.A.T. was overjoyed that a woman had joined their ranks anyway, so Derek didn’t have to work hard to discredit me in their eyes.”
“Wow,” Cole said, shaking his head. “That is some f**ked-up shit.”
“So I walked away, and I still hate myself for giving up that easily. I was devastated because I honestly didn’t see that coming. I did what I thought was the right thing and it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. But I couldn’t just stand by and let him continue what he was doing, because it was wrong, and I thought it would be as simple as telling the commander what I knew to be true and that the situation would be resolved. I learned the hard way that sometimes it is the wisest choice to just sit back and say nothing at all.”
“Bullshit,” Cole said.
She looked up in surprise at the explosive outburst.
“You did the right thing, P.J. Don’t ever doubt yourself on that count. You did the right thing and they didn’t. That’s on them. Not you.”
“But I’m the one who lost,” she said in a bitter tone.
“I’m sorry for the way it went down, but I’m not sorry you walked away, because it brought you to our team. To me.”
She was startled by the hint of emotion she heard in his voice. He levered up on one elbow, turned so they were much closer now and reached up to cup her cheek. He pulled her down into a tender kiss, and this time he took his time exploring, slowing the pace from their earlier reckless haste.
Slowly but with a firm hand, he nudged her over onto her back, his mouth never leaving hers.
Where before they’d been impatient and eager, now he seemed determined to be patient and gradual.
“I’m glad you came to KGI,” he murmured into her mouth. “I can’t imagine the team without you.”
She felt him reaching toward the nightstand, and then a moment later he rose up just enough that he could roll on the condom, and a bare second after, he slid into her in one firm push.
She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his body, pulling him even closer until they were molded against each other, flesh on flesh, no part of their bodies not touching in some way.
He rocked and undulated his hips, leisurely drawing out their pleasure, all the while making love to her with his mouth. Covering her face and neck with tender kisses.
It was a complete change from earlier when every kiss, every touch had been hot and frantic, almost a race to completion. That had been sex. Pure, unadulterated, hot sex.
But this?
This was different, and it unsettled her even as she allowed herself to fall over the edge with him. Because this wasn’t just sex. It felt a hell of a lot like making love. And she hadn’t reached that point with Derek even after two years of being with him.