“So do I,” he countered, finally understanding what she was shooting for. And why. “So you were poor as a kid. That doesn’t mean that you have to continue to do a job that you don’t like.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “I am good at this job. It will provide food for my children.”
He wasn’t going to let her get away with that. “I can provide food for our kids.”
Her heart practically leapt out of her chest at his words. He wanted to marry her? She felt the wrenching pain at the loss she was about to deal with. “I’m sorry, Jack. I just can’t do it. I can’t give up the security of money to live in the wilds of Maine with you. No matter how I feel for you.”
He glared at her. Again, he thought about telling her who he was but he didn’t want her on those terms. “You don’t trust me.”
She took a deep breath. “I won’t rely on a man to provide for me or my children,” she asserted firmly. “My mother gave up her life, gave up her work so she could stay home and take care of us. Then things got bad and my father lost his job. He tried to make it on contract work, but that was sporadic and, like I said, there wasn’t always enough for even the bare necessities. Some months were fine, but others were…” she shook her head, not finishing the sentence. “Well, suffice it to say that I won’t put that burden on my children. They will always have food to eat. They will always have a house to come home to. Quitting my job with no prospects up in Maine means that I’m giving up that security. And I won’t do it.”
She couldn’t look at him, afraid that if she did, she would burst into tears and give in. She couldn’t give in though. She still sent money home to her parents all the time because work was so hard to find. She’d tried to get her father to move to the city where painting jobs might be easier to find but both her parents refused, wanting to stay in the country where things were simpler and life wasn’t as busy.
She turned away from him, feeling his anger. She heard him move, assumed he was putting his shirt on and packing his bag. She didn’t want him to leave. She didn’t want him to disappear from her life.
“If you change your mind…”
She took a deep breath, hearing the sadness as her lungs filled up with air that felt compressed, almost poisoned somehow. “Unless you can figure out a way that our two worlds could work together, I won’t change my mind,” she stated firmly, not wanting to give him any reason to believe she would. Because she might! She could see herself calling to him right now and begging him to ignore everything she’d just said, to take her into his arms and tell her how they could make it work.
But they couldn’t! They were from different worlds. They wanted different things from life. She wanted power and wealth, he wanted simplicity. Those two worlds were too far apart to be meshed. She knew it was one or the other. And no matter how much fun she’d had with him at his small cottage, she couldn’t simply ignore the problems of the future. What if they had children? Where would the kids sleep? He could build an addition, but would they have the money for that? Would they really be able to save enough to build on? What happens when another economic downturn happened? It wasn’t a matter of if, it was a matter of when since the economy goes up and down on roughly a twenty year cycle.
She heard the door to her apartment click closed and she crumbled to the floor, sobbing out her heartache and confusion. She loved him! Couldn’t they make it work? Maybe she could work here in Washington, D.C. during the week and fly back up to Maine each weekend. It would be expensive, but what would it be like living without Jack?
But then what happens if she got pregnant? She wouldn’t be able to travel every weekend.
She cried for the next hour, trying to figure out different ways to make a relationship with Jack work but she couldn’t come up with any answers.
Perhaps it was best if they just left things the way they were, finished. She could get over him.
Couldn’t she?
She tried very hard to put him out of her mind that afternoon. But she couldn’t seem to stop crying. She went to the grocery store to stock up on the basics, but she found herself standing in front of the milk case, leaning her forehead against the glass to hide her tears from the other customers. When she went to the post office to get more stamps, someone had to tap her on the shoulder because she’d forgotten what she was doing there.
And when she finally slumped into her apartment, she couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks any longer. She’d lost him, she thought despondently. She’d lost him because she was a fool and she couldn’t figure out how to stop herself from being so ridiculous and needing something that may or may not make her happy! And all the while, she knew that Jack made her happy on so many levels but she’d just kicked him out of her life.
Chapter 4
Rachel didn’t notice the hush surrounding her. The noise might have dissipated, but she was too wrapped up in the misery of her breakup with Jack. She’d even ignored phone calls and texts from Nikki and Brianna, unable to explain how stupid she’d been. She’d told them she was fine, but other than that, she’d kept to herself for the last twenty-four hours, unable to talk to anyone.
She should just go back to him, she told herself sternly as she stared miserably at her computer monitor. She was in love with him! Why would she even think about not being with him? He made her feel happy and she cherished every moment with him.
But then her childhood memories surged back to life. She’d hated growing up so far out in the country, being ostracized by the other kids because of her parents’ lack of money. The other kids in town had always had new clothes, fun vacations and sleepovers or parties. Rachel hadn’t had any of that which was one of the reasons she, Nikki and Brianna had connected so instantly. Those two hadn’t even had parents, but the three of them were the ones in the class wearing the dirty, torn up jeans and sneakers with broken laces or a toe sticking out. While the other kids had gone to parties, she’d had chores and hardships. Her father had worked grueling hours and people had taken advantage of him because of his kindness. Too many times people hadn’t paid for the work he’d done. And he hadn’t had any recourse to fight their illegal treatment because he’d been powerless. Even when he’d tried to hire the one attorney in the town to get some help, the lawyer hadn’t thought the cases were strong enough so legal recourse was abandoned.