Her eyebrows rose. “Your father didn’t realize this? He just handed you over to a woman who had no respect for anyone or took no responsibility for anything?”
“He thought he was doing the right thing. Besides, he told me years later he had someone keep an eye on me while I was away, and he thought I was having an okay time. She’d dump me on her parents, you see, while they went off to the races, so he thought I was getting to know my grandparents. They couldn’t have been less interested in me if they’d tried.”
Oh, poor Nick. “What did you do when you were with them?”
“Sit and watch television. I was miserable and couldn’t wait to get back home.” He took a shuddering breath. “It was only a few days, but it felt like a lifetime.”
“And there would’ve always been the fear that you would never come back home again,” she said half to herself.
A muscle began to throb in his cheek.
She stared aghast. “Oh my God. That’s why you won’t let me redecorate this bedroom. This was your sanctuary whenever you returned home, wasn’t it?”
He nodded with a taut jerk of his head. “Yes. I felt safe here. I still do. I used to imagine they would never get to me here.”
Her heart constricted. “Oh, Nick. I’m sorry you had to go through all that.”
“Hey, it wasn’t so bad,” he said, making light of it now.
“Yes, it was.”
A look of discomfort crossed his face. “Okay, so those times were bad, but I always made it back home and that’s the important thing.”
She looked at Nick and something tumbled around in her chest. She could imagine him a little boy or a young teenager putting on a brave face, terrified of going with his mother and her latest new husband, not knowing if he would ever come back to those who loved him.
The urge to hold him was strong and she stood up and went to stand between his legs, pulling his head against her breast in a comforting fashion. He didn’t resist, and they remained like that for a while.
Only, suddenly, she wanted more tonight. She wanted to show him that this was their home and she was his wife and he had no need to fear being abandoned ever again.
She turned his head up to her. “Let me make love to you, Nick.”
His eyes flared with desire. “Yes, Sasha,” he said in a low, raspy voice. “I need you to love me tonight.”
His words cut the air from her lungs.
Love him?
Oh God, she thought as she bent her head and began placing soft kisses down his cheek until she came to his mouth.
She already did.
Chapter Eight
The next morning Sasha felt Nick’s lips on hers in a brief goodbye kiss, but she kept her eyes shut until she heard him leave the room. Then and only then did she carefully open them to a new morning and a new beginning, one where she knew she would have to be strong.
She loved him.
If it hadn’t been for all the smoke and mirrors caused by their forced marriage she’d probably have seen it coming. As it was, it had taken a private man like Nick to share his painful past with her to make her see what was truly in her heart.
She’d never stopped loving him.
She’d merely been convincing herself otherwise because it hurt too much to admit she loved a man who would never love her back. He couldn’t. He wasn’t the type of man to give up part of himself for love of a woman. Even now, she knew he didn’t love her. He liked her, and she was sure he liked her even more with each passing day, but there was no way she could tell him she loved him.
He wouldn’t want to know.
And his rejection of her would be far worse this time. They were adults now and their feelings ran deeper and more lasting, and to bring it out in the open would ruin any chance of a happy marriage between them.
A marriage now based on friendship.
Not love.
No, she’d have to be happy with what she had. The alternative of a divorce, or of Nick feeling uncomfortable around her was too much to bear.
Better to keep it a secret.
Of course, for all her self-talk, when he returned home that night and kissed her hello, then took the stairs two at a time to go shower and change, Sasha’s heart skipped a beat as she realized something. This morning’s kiss before leaving for work had been the first time he’d kissed her goodbye.
And now this?
Things had definitely changed for the better between them. Perhaps one day …
No, she dared not think it.
“By the way,” he said over dinner later. “I’m happy for you to redecorate my old bedroom now.”
She blinked. “You are?”
“Yes. Give it a whole new look and turn it into a spare bedroom. Do whatever you want. You’re the expert. I don’t need it anymore.”
Her insides turned soft. “No, you don’t, do you?”
He seemed much more relaxed. “Sasha, I think it’s time we had some fun. Would you like to go to a party on Saturday night? Friends of mine are celebrating their fifth wedding anniversary.”
She liked that he was asking her and not merely expecting her to go. More importantly it was as if he actually wanted to be with her.
“I’d love to go to the party with you.”
He flashed her a smile. “Good.”
That smile made her senses spin and took her right through the week, especially when he continued to kiss her goodbye and hello every day. It was as if he truly considered her his real wife now.
There were about fifty people at the party held at a gorgeous mansion overlooking the Parramatta River. Nick’s friends, Fiona and Boyd, were warm and friendly.
“We’re so sorry we missed your wedding,” Fiona said. “We were overseas at the time but it was a nice surprise when we came back.”
“Surprise?” Boyd laughingly choked. “I was totally shocked when Nick told me he was married. Who’d have thought the playboy would ever get married, let alone so quickly?” He got an elbow in the ribs by his wife. “I mean … well, you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, Boyd, we know what you mean,” Nick teased and left it at that.
Sasha was grateful Nick didn’t tell them the truth. She hadn’t cared at the wedding if everyone had known, but now it was a matter of pride.
And a matter of love.
Over the next hour Nick kept her by his side, not leaving her for a minute while they mixed with a small group of friends. They were laughing at something one of the wives said when suddenly a blonde beauty pushed through the group.