She sat on one of the white patio chairs in the shady courtyard and hugged herself in the morning breeze. She seemed almost frail in that moment, though it was an illusion. Belle was strong. Kell had no doubt she’d easily survive his stupidity.
As much as he hated to admit it, he was the fucking fragile one. He pulled out the chair beside her, legs scraping the flagstone gently, then sank down. He ached to hold her close, but he’d lost that right. Hell, he’d never had it in the first place, and it was time to let her know why. “You know I was married, right?”
Belle shook her head, her long black hair caressing her shoulders softly. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”
“Maybe I don’t have to, but I should.” Otherwise, nothing between them would work. She’d keep hoping for more from him because she always expected the best in others. And he’d just keep hurting her because he wasn’t strong enough to walk away again on his own accord. “Belle, I’m trying to salvage any sort of relationship between us because I really do care about you. I don’t even want to think about a world where I don’t see you, but you need to understand why I can’t do the hearts and flowers thing. Do you hate me so much that you won’t even listen?”
Somehow he hadn’t expected that of her. He should know better than anyone that a single moment could change a person for life. He should know that one betrayal could make an idealist bitter. He stood, sick to his stomach that he’d been the one to do it to her. Damn it to hell, he was going to have to find the strength to walk away from all of them because he was toxic if he could ruin someone as sweet as Belle with a few careless words. Destroying her would kill his best friends, too.
He just fucked everything up wherever he went.
“Never mind. I won’t force you to hear this.” He curled his fingers into a fist to stop himself from touching her. “I’m sorry.”
Belle touched him, a hesitant caress of her fingertips on the back of his hand, so soft he almost didn’t feel it. “Stop. You think I hate you, Kellan, and I don’t.”
When he looked down he saw that gorgeous face he knew so well, the one he saw every day while he worked and dreamed of every night when he slept. It tore at his heart. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
She shook her head. “I know you were married. Since you’re not anymore, I assume it didn’t end well.”
He eased back into the chair beside her, so close now their knees nearly touched. The intimacy of their closeness in the early morning light made it easier to confess his past.
“It was more than the end. Way more.” He rubbed a hand across the back of his neck, trying to ease away the tension. “I met Lila in law school. We were the golden couple of our class.”
The slightest smile tugged her lips up. “I can see that.”
His head sometimes hurt just thinking about his ex-wife and her machinations. “My father is a judge.”
“In DC, right?”
“Yes, he’s a federal court judge, but before that he was a lawyer for years. Kent and Associates was a powerhouse firm. We made millions. When the president appointed dear old dad, I took over the firm. Well, Lila and I took it over. We hadn’t been married long.” He shook his head, thinking about all his stupid hopes and foolish dreams back then.
Belle tucked her hand in his. A stronger man would push her away, but damn, the world seemed like a better place when she touched him.
“Obviously, the divorce had a profound effect on you, Kell. You must have loved her very much.” A well of sympathy filled her voice.
He winced. That had been part of the problem. Perhaps he could have forgiven himself if he’d been blinded by love. “I thought I did, but I’m pretty sure now that I chose Lila because she fit the bill, if you know what I mean.”
“I don’t.”
That didn’t surprise him. Belle wouldn’t marry for any reason but pure, abiding love. “I was ready to start my life and getting married was the next step. I had a plan, you see.”
“Not surprising. You always have a plan.”
He was a list maker, a man who usually thought out his next twelve steps before taking one. He’d never been a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants thinker the way Eric could be. He’d never had impulsive moments like Tate. Nope, he thought through every pro and con, then made decisions based on his sometimes laborious risk assessment.
Loving Belle was too much of a danger. He’d decided that long ago.
“I wanted to go into politics. It probably sounds stupid, but I decided to seek office when I was a kid. I’m sure it had something to do with pleasing my parents. My mom was a wonderful woman. From the time I was little, she always said I should be president. We’ve had a few senators in our family, but Mom thought I deserved to be the first Kent to achieve the nation’s highest office. She put it just like that, too. I was convinced I wanted to help people. So corny.”
“Not at all. I think it’s admirable.”
Belle could be so naïve. “Did I really want to help people? Or was I just an ambitious fuck who had too much money and always wanted the best of everything? Being president looked like the best job, so I’d made up my mind to surround myself with the appropriate trappings and go for it. Lila was pretty and so smart it hurt. Hell, she was smarter than I was. Tate was top of our class, but she was right behind him. I trailed her academically, but she backed my dreams. So we became a pair. About the time I graduated, my mom died of cancer. Her last wish was that I pursue my dreams. She’d given birth to me and when she lay dying, I couldn’t do anything but promise I would.”