There were times when everything was perfect and then he would seem to notice he was too relaxed and once again pull away from her. The hot and cold was almost worse than if he was just cold all the time. When he was open with her, it gave her hope they could be a real couple.
She slowly gained her courage and walked down the stairs to her husband’s home office. She took another deep breath outside his door and then stepped in, with her head held high.
“Is everything okay?” Alex asked with concern. She normally didn’t disturb him in the office, with one exception when they’d ended up making love in front of the fireplace.
His eyes were automatically drawn to that spot and he could feel his body’s response. He quickly squelched it and turned back to Jessica.
She was standing there before him and he was thinking he could take her right there on top of his desk. Her eyes held a determination within them that let him know she needed to talk. Seriously, he had to stop his thoughts.
“I don’t know if things are okay,” she began.
Alex was getting really concerned. “Jacob…” he began. He started getting up, ready to charge up the stairs to his son.
“Jacob’s fine. This has to do with us. I need to talk to you about our relationship.” Jessica felt her heart breaking in half as she watched the shutters quickly close into place on her husband’s face.
“Our relationship is fine.” He didn’t elaborate, just looked back down at his computer screen, as if the discussion was over and there was no need to interrupt his work any longer.
He absolutely didn’t want to have the conversation. He knew it had been coming for quite a long time. He didn’t want to hurt her but he couldn’t lose her either. He was feeling more stress than he ever had in his life.
“The thing is, our relationship isn’t okay for me anymore,” she stressed. “Alex, I love you. I have been in love with you for a while now and I can’t live in this marriage, loving you with all my heart, while wondering when you’re going to walk out the door.” She finished, as a tear slipped down her cheek.
His heart warmed for a moment as she once again told him she loved him. He refused to allow the warmth though and blocked his emotions. He would reason with her, he would make things okay for them.
She’d been hopeful to get through the conversation with no tears. She didn’t want to appear weak and she didn’t want him feeling sorry for her. She wanted his love or nothing at all.
He looked at her with the same shuttered expression, although she’d thought for a moment, he’d shown some warmth. She’d most likely imagined it because he had a guarded look that wasn’t going to change anytime soon. He sat back in his chair for a full two minutes before finally speaking.
“Jessica, I care for you greatly. You are an incredible mother and a great wife. I’m comfortable with the way things are. I never wanted to marry, because other than my parents and my brother, I haven’t exactly seen a lot of shining examples of lasting love. I know you want me to say, ‘I love you,’ but I can’t. It’s just not who I am. I’m giving you everything I’m capable of.”
His words were like knives stabbing her again and again. She didn’t know how it was possible to still be standing there. She pressed her hand against her heart, pressing in. The pain was so deep; it felt as if there was a gaping hole in her chest. She really thought her heart may explode from the intensity of the pain coursing through her.
“I understand Alex but then I can no longer stay married to you. You are an amazing father and I would never keep Jacob from you again. We’ll have to work out all the details but I just can’t do this. I’m so sorry.” She turned and walked from the room. She was choking on the sobs that wanted to rip from her body but she managed somehow to hold them back.
Jessica didn’t know how she arrived in the bedroom she’d shared with Alex for almost a year. Their nights had been amazing. That was the only time he’d completely let down his guard. When he’d looked into her eyes, she’d convinced herself it was love shining through their blue depths.
She turned away from the bed. She couldn’t look at it. She walked across the hall and checked in on Jacob. He was sound asleep in his crib and looked so peaceful. He’d grown so much his first year of life. She was amazed how beautiful he was.
She loved how much he resembled his father. She rubbed his small, mostly bald head. He didn’t wake up. He was content in his crib. She wouldn’t disturb him right then. She would pick him up the next day.
She knocked on Julia’s door and it was quickly answered. “Hi Jessica, is everything okay?” she asked with real concern. Obviously, Jessica thought, she wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding her emotions.
“Everything is fine. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be gone this evening. You have my number if Jacob wakes and there are any problems.”
“I’m sure things will be fine. Are you sure you’re okay?” Julia asked again.
“Yes, thanks, I will see you in the morning.” With that Jessica turned and walked back into her bedroom. There was no way she could sleep there that night. She would go find a hotel room and then look for something more permanent the next day. Her son would be fine overnight. She would make sure she was back before he woke up. She packed an overnight bag and slipped out of the house.
As she climbed into her car she had to wait a few moments because she was crying so hard she couldn’t see to drive properly. When she finally pulled herself together and her vision cleared she turned away from the house. She watched it in her rearview mirror until the trees blocked her view.
Leaving was about the hardest thing she’d ever done. The further she got from the house, the more she was regretting the decision. She loved Alex so much and leaving him was even more painful than staying with him, even without his love.
She decided to turn around and head back towards the house, when her car was suddenly filled with bright lights. “What...” she began to say aloud, when there was a huge crashing sound and she blacked out.
Alex sat as his desk with his head in his hands. He was already regretting his words to Jessica. The longer he thought the more he realized she wasn’t demanding anything of him that he didn’t have to give.
All thoughts of work were gone. He was thinking back to his time with Jessica. He couldn’t wait to walk in the door each evening to see her. He noticed throughout his days, he would continually check the time, counting down the hours until he could return home. He’d done far more work from home, than he’d ever done in the past. Anything that didn’t require him to be in the office was done from home.