“Well, Billy, what toys can Santa bring you this year? I’m sure you have a long list.”
“I don’t want any more toys,” he said as a tear slid down his cheek.
Tanner’s stomach tightened as he looked at the grief on this child’s face. He didn’t understand why he cared, but the grief was so obvious. No. It had to just be that the kid was having a bad day. Where in the hell were his parents? He looked out and couldn’t see anyone likely.
“Of course you want some toys. Don’t all good little boys want toys?”
“I haven’t been a good boy,” he whispered, a sob coming up from deep down inside.
“How old are you, Billy?” Tanner asked.
“Five.”
“Well, don’t you want a set of Legos or maybe a Transformer?” Tanner hoped to speed this along.
“No.”
“Maybe a racetrack and some cars?”
“I just want my mommy and daddy back,” Billy choked out.
Tanner was stopped cold. “What?”
“They went to heaven, my grandma said, but I don’t want them to be in heaven. I promised my grandma I would be a good boy, that I wouldn’t chase Mary around the playground with my fake snake again. I promised to eat my vegetables. Grandma said it wasn’t my fault, but it has to be my fault. I just want them to come back home. I miss my mommy and daddy.”
This small child and his devastated eyes left Tanner speechless. How was he supposed to respond to that? What could he possibly say to ease the boy’s pain?
Nothing.
There was nothing he could say or do. This wasn’t something that even his money could fix; it wasn’t something tangible that he could put his hands on and twist until it got better. This was grief, and there was nothing but time that would heal it. If even that.
“Billy, it was nothing you did. Sometimes, the people we love the most have to go away. I don’t know why, but I bet they are watching out for you every single day, and they’re so very proud of you.” Tanner just hoped that his flailing around for words didn’t screw up this child for the rest of his life.
“Why did they have to leave?” Billy asked, gazing up at Tanner with such innocent eyes.
“I don’t know, Billy. Even Santa doesn’t have all the answers. I do know that they love you very much, though. You are one special little boy.”
Billy gave a watery smile, then leaned against Tanner’s chest and wrapped his arms around him.
“I love you, Santa,” Billy whispered, resting his little head beneath “Santa’s” chin, and Tanner’s heart felt as if it were going to melt.
What was this small child doing to him?
“I love you, too, Billy.” Tanner’s voice was slightly strained. Those were not words he ever spoke, and when he said never, he meant never. He cleared his throat as he felt an odd sting in his eyes.
Billy held on for several more minutes before he climbed from Tanner’s lap and climbed slowly down the steps with the help of one of the elves. He turned back and attempted a smile.
“I know you’re magic, Santa, ’cause my mommy always said that Christmas was magic and no dream was impossible when you came. So maybe you can just bring them back,” he said, sounding far older than a five-year-old child.
Tanner stood up and moved to Billy, kneeling down in front of him. “All the magic in the world can’t undo some things, Billy. I wish it could. Just don’t give up on Christmas or the things your mother told you that magic can do,” he said with desperation. For some reason it mattered to Tanner that this boy didn’t lose his love of Christmas and the magic of Santa.
Billy said no more as he walked away. Tanner watched him, looking for someone to take the young child’s hand, but he was still alone as he turned a corner. Who was at the mall with him? Should Tanner go and chase him down? Not knowing what to do, he just kneeled there, emptiness filling him. He’d never experienced a pain like what Billy was currently going through. He’d been too young to feel the impact when his mother had walked out on him and his siblings, and his family was close — or they had been close until the last few years.
But even that was changing again and he was speaking to his siblings a little more — really speaking to them — and even to his father. To top that off, he’d discovered he had all of these cousins. He’d never been alone and afraid like the child who’d just looked so trustingly into his eyes.
If Tanner was alone, it was by choice.
When he looked up, Tanner’s eyes connected with Kyla’s and she didn’t even try to hide the tears streaming down her face. She came toward him and touched his shoulder.
“You did a very good thing there,” she whispered before turning and walking away.
Tanner was stunned. After several long moments, he rose to his feet and went through the mall to the changing area. He needed to get as far from this place as he possibly could.
This Christmas couldn’t come and go fast enough.
Chapter Ten
Unable to shake the image of the boy with so much pain etched in his features, Tanner decided to trudge back to the apartment building instead of taking a cab. He tried to blank his mind during the fifteen-minute walk, but the boy’s face refused to leave his vision. What he needed, obviously, was a good night of sleep. Halloween was long gone, and he refused to be haunted.
As he pulled open the ridiculously heavy front door, he found himself looking at the building through new eyes. A couple of kids were playing in the hallway, laughing as they chased marbles on the ragged floors.
Just yesterday, he’d growled the words noise pollution to himself as he passed other children in the building. Now the laughter almost cheered him. Almost, but not quite. These people considered this their home, their place of safety, but he’d done everything in his power to take them away from it. He never looked at individuals, just the whole of a situation.
Was it profitable? What could it do for him?
But, hey, he was a businessman, trying to make a lot of money for a lot of individuals. That didn’t make him a monster. He was just living the American dream. Wasn’t that what everyone wanted?
So he wasn’t the bad guy here. Businesses weren’t charities, and it would be insane to start thinking that way. But this punishment was taking its toll on him. He had to get out of here before he had a meltdown, or became empathetic. He didn’t know which would be worse.